I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt because it does. Everyday is like a never ending tornado ripping threw my emotions. Some days the pain is bearable, most days all I want to do is take everything a run.
I know I’m not the only person to experience heartache, but I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I can’t seem to bring myself to forget what it was like to love and be loved. In the years of being with him, I became addicted, or accustomed to the feeling. I am only human. And as a human I find it hard to just suddenly have a change of course unexpectedly.
I find myself thinking about giving up on my morals and just go back to what I’m used to because it’s where I feel safe. Even though I’m facing the ultimate betrayal, I want to break down and go back to him. Because I truly did love him, with absolutely everything that I had. Every fight we ever had, every low point we ever found ourselves in, we managed to pick everything up. But this, what he did, was just the one thing I could never forget.
I was so broken I ran away, far away. I put many miles between me and all of the sadness. I couldn’t bare to lay my head down at night surrounded by every memory we ever made together. Everything in me told me it was what I needed to do. My head kept my heart from making what could have been a horrible decision. However, all I can think about is the what ifs.
The odds are completely against my poor broken heart. He didn’t come after me when I left. He let me go. He hasn’t begged for me back. He doesn’t seem to want to save me. He doesn’t seem to care. And that is what hurts the most. That I have to accept that he will never love me the way I have loved him.