Save my Heart 

  

 I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt because it does. Everyday is like a never ending tornado ripping threw my emotions. Some days the pain is bearable, most days all I want to do is take everything a run. 

 I know I’m not the only person to experience heartache, but I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I can’t seem to bring myself to forget what it was like to love and be loved. In the years of being with him, I became addicted, or accustomed to the feeling. I am only human. And as a human I find it hard to just suddenly have a change of course unexpectedly. 

 I find myself thinking about giving up on my morals and just go back to what I’m used to because it’s where I feel safe. Even though I’m facing the ultimate betrayal, I want to break down and go back to him. Because I truly did love him, with absolutely everything that I had. Every fight we ever had, every low point we ever found ourselves in, we managed to pick everything up. But this, what he did, was just the one thing I could never forget. 

 I was so broken I ran away, far away. I put many miles between me and all of the sadness. I couldn’t bare to lay my head down at night surrounded by every memory we ever made together. Everything in me told me it was what I needed to do. My head kept my heart from making what could have been a horrible decision. However, all I can think about is the what ifs. 

 The odds are completely against my poor broken heart. He didn’t come after me when I left. He let me go. He hasn’t begged for me back. He doesn’t seem to want to save me. He doesn’t seem to care. And that is what hurts the most. That I have to accept that he will never love me the way I have loved him. 

Everything Happens for a Reason… But I Call Bullshit

  

 Unfortunately I am not one to have a creative mind when my life is shooting for the stars. However, when my life seems to plunge for the bottom of the ocean, my mind can’t think of anything else more important to do than confess all of the tragic thoughts circling in my head. 

 Something life changing recently happened to me which I am unable to forget. I lost my heart. I lost my mind. I was humiliated. I will never forget this pain. I have never been betrayed before. Not like this. I never saw it coming. Imagine hiking in the woods, and the next thing you know you’re falling off a cliff to your imminent death. That gut feeling you get when you realize you’re falling. It feels like an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I feel that everyday.

 Quite depressing, I know. I never thought in a million years someone I gave my entire heart to would treat it like old chewed up gum on the bottom of a shoe. But it happened, and I’m just supposed to live with it. 

 Of course, people say what they feel they need to, to make me feel better. But it’s human nature to easily not give a shit when the problem doesn’t actually have anything to do with them. And that makes me feel even more alone. Because as days go on, people forget. And I’m just supposed to sit here completely broken inside, pretending to have pieced myself back together like the strong woman people tell me I am. I don’t feel strong. I feel lonely. I know that I am not alone. But I’m also not supported by the one person that is supposed to be here for me. 

 This is supposed to be one of the best times of my life. And somehow it has been turned into such a beautifully disastrous situation. It is all due to someone else’s own greed and selfishness, somehow twisted around into being my fault.

 If you would’ve asked me how I believed my life was going to be five years ago, this would not have even made the list of possibilities. I do not wish to live the equivalent of a lifetime movie. But here I am, broken hearted and forgotten. 

 In just three months, the only good thing to come from this tragedy is going to be given life. I am so thankful for such a gift. But the day is going to come when I have to look her in the eyes and explain to her why her family is different. I’ll be able to do it, but there is always going to be that emptiness there, hiding, and figuratively stabbing my heart with a dull knife.

 In time I know I will see why this had to happen. But in this current moment I am forced to deal with it, I just don’t seem to understand. 

Resurrection 

   It’s been a few years too long since my thoughts were recorded. A few too many days that have gone by without any recognition. A few too many questions left unanswered. The girl I was just a few years ago, should’ve known better than to think she knew anything at all. 

 All this time has passed by, so many things have changed. Life is a little less in the moment. Each day I am reminded that life is fragile. And it’s as if I was some kind of bull left to run wild in a china shop. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes in these few, very long, very dramatic years. I would like to believe that I have learned from them. But looking back on things now, it doesn’t seem like I’ve let myself grab on to the possibility of moving forward. 

 The grown up disease I’ve so regrettably caught, is now coursing threw my veins. I’ve tried hard to deny myself entrance into this boring world of debt, labor, and godawful misery. But as it seems, I am just like everyone else. I awake in the morning. I stress over the days good tidings. I kick my shoes off at night, and then I press repeat. 

 It’s okay though. I’m not the only one living in this montserous reality. 

 

Dreamland

She looked at him and he smiled.

They were young and free

driving on an old country road

with the cool breeze flooding into the windows

The roads were paved with leaves and sticks.

Trees hovered over the roads forming a tunnel of shade,

the sun pushing its way from behind the leaves

of the trees.

No sound. Just peace and innocence.

He wrote something on a piece of paper, folded it up and tucked it away in the palm of her hand.

He softly closed her fingers around the folded up note,

stepped out of the car

turned around

and walked away, never looking back.

She lightly kissed the note in her hand

turned her head

smiled to the sun

and woke up, never looking back.

I Hate Fake People

Just one question.

Why must you be so fake?

To what kind of satisfaction does that give you?

A grin from ear to ear,

is a mask in itself.

You’re just a liar in disguise.

You’re just a cheater in life.

Why must you be so fake?

If I am the friendly to your face,

Why do you tarnish my reputation behind my back?

If I do nothing but try to be kind,

Why do you resist my hospitality?

Is it the fact that you hate wonderful things?

You always seem so miserable drowning in self hate.

Why must you hate?

Did I hurt your feelings when I came back at you with the truth?

Do you not deserve the truth?

I did nothing wrong,

Is that why you hate me?

Why must you be so fake?

You must not trust yourself,

So is that why you don’t trust me?

If I were to laugh in your face,

And jump down your throat with ever word you spit,

Would you love me?

No.

Why must you be so fake?

Killing with Karma

Have no fear

For I am here

To make right what was wrong

To bring light to this long-

and grueling complicated reality.

social catastrophe

Molecular anxiety

Society preaches peace and unity

But all we’ve done is built up immunity,

to love.

So let me show you the way

Bring it back-

Around to the imposture of fate

Ending with my blind date,

Of destiny

photo by: http://favim.com/image/276562/

Social Media Mixed Emotions

Image.

Self-image.

Beauty is skin deep.

Personality is stereotypical.

Your mind is a battlefield.

Your heart is a goldmine.

Your soul is ungrateful.

Your thoughts are unwilling.

Your tears are plastic.

The steps you took disappear with every step you take.

What you were is not what you are.

Your opinion does not matter.

Who are you?

What makes you special?

Image

Image by *Zara.

Love Everyone for Once in your Miserable Life

The human heart is a wonderful thing. It brings life. It brings love. It pumps the blood to your veins. You need it. You must take good care of it. You must protect it. But you shouldn’t be just worrying about your heart alone. There are a million other hearts out there that need love too.

There are the broken hearts, the wounded, the shallow, the invisible, the cold. Those hearts need the most care, because somebody else didn’t care enough. A heart is always able to change, for the better or for the worse. Its up to you to make sure that your very own heart always stays on the right path, because there will be those people who want to do nothing but make sure that you suffer.

There will be those people out there who want nothing more than to see you fail; fall into oblivion. I do not know why one single person will stop at nothing to hurt another person. I do not have a reason for it other than hate. I do not know why people hate people. I do not understand it.

Why do those people feel the need to hurt someone? What happens after they succeed on making the other person feel miserable? What next? I mean come on.

I used to be an evil little girl. I mean like super evil. I would go out of my way to make sure someone elses life was what I saw as worse than mine. I wanted to see the tears come out of their eyes. Why? I do not know. I was young and I just thought it was the cool thing to do. The sad thing was, it was the cool thing to do.

But I turned my heart around. I am more than happy to talk to someone and to show someone that they are appreciated. Like smiling. Have you ever just smiled at someone? They usually smile back. And if you’re good enough at it, you could have just made their day. Compassion and love my friends.

If you love everyone, let me tell you, the stress will just disappear. Just try it. One day is all I ask.

The love children could’nt beat it into our heads enough.

Love thy neighbor <3

If You’re an Artist

If you’re an artist than you already know exactly what I am going to inform the rest of the world about.

If you’re an artist, you see the world in a completely different way. What’s cool about that is, is art can come in many different forms other than a paper and paintbrush. You see, art can be much more than that. It could be in landscaping, films, music, photography, fashion, food, graffiti, architecture, anything at all creative.

The saying “creativity is key” really does mean just that. A true artist can make the best out of a crazy situation. They can take something that wasn’t and turn it into something that is.

An artist knows the world is beautiful, but not beautiful enough. They want to address the world with this gift, by expressing their inner self. A real artist doesn’t want to be famous, they don’t want the money. They just want to be herd by anybody really. It doesn’t matter who, or how many. It’s sharing their thoughts, dreams, and ideas with other people, and being able to communicate and have them understand. Because let’s face it, sometimes they don’t understand themselves.

An artist does it for the thrill. That adrenalin you get during a dinner rush, or when that painting finally gets finished after three years, or when that shoot went smoothly. You could never imagine. They do it because it’s a passion, it’s a different way of living.

Art can take you places. It’s everywhere. It’s just whether or not you can experience it like a true artist.

The Grown-Up Disease

I am sorry to say, but there just so happens to be a growing epidemic right in your very own town. Have you ever noticed that people are not quite as fun as they used to be? Or the fact that everything that used to entertain you has lost all of its luster?

Well you’re not the only one buddy. We’re all experiencing it here. This terrible fate that has bestowed itself on the human race just happens to be known as the Grown-Up Disease. It is so contagious that it has worked its way into our high schools, and in some cases middle and elementary schools as well.

This amoeba of boring lifelessness effects the mind, body, and sense of style. What was once adorable suddenly turns creepy and odd. Like playing on a jungle gym for instance.

When you’re young, a jungle gym is a colorful Mount Everest on crack. As you get older it turns into a fortress, then an extreme game of tag; soon the monkey bars seem to be the cool new hangout seat, and before you know it, its a rusty old workout that involves a lot of effort and head ducking.

Why has the world failed to inform children what adult life is really like?

When you’re younger you are told you can be anything you want to be. But they fail to tell you that, that dream of yours could potentially cost you your good credit, and maybe even your financial state. What they also fail to explain is that the entire world is nothing but a giant popularity contest, and if you know absolutely nobody important, you have a really low chance of making it somewhere in life.

You see, when you grow up, the color purple turns to violet. Your vocabulary changes, and you suddenly start speaking the language of boring. The word underwear no longer makes you laugh, it just reminds you of the dirty laundry piling in your bathroom, and then that reminds you that all of your work uniforms are dirty.

You hit the point where the presidential election is important to you and you look forward to waking up to a cup of coffee and the morning news. Is this really fun?

Or are we playing along with the stereotype of adult hood?